


Discovery and Coverage

by Tancora



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Spoilers, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 12:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4960936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tancora/pseuds/Tancora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naoto Shirogane didn't like thinking about their gender but there is only so long you can suppress who you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Discovery and Coverage

Naoto wasn't sure when it had started. At some point while reading those pulpy detective fiction stories as a child it hit him that he wanted to be those detectives in every way. He didn't realize until later that that included their maleness as well.

 

It was not a big deal when he was young. It was fine, cute even, to let an eight year old run around dressed like Sherlock Holmes. But there was no stopping the cement block of puberty. That was what lead thirteen year old Naoto finding himself looking in a mirror with a knife in his hand, staring at his breasts and wondering how he was going to start to chip at it.

 

_You can't do you this. Hurting yourself does no one good. You're not a doctor. You can't perform surgery on yourself. Put the knife down Shirogane._

 

The word "transgender" barely glimpsed Naoto's radar over the years. Why that was the case was not certain. Maybe some case he read about one time mentioned the concept and he had just suppressed whatever connections he had to the topic.

 

_This is just puberty and your hormones running amok. You're deluding yourself. You're upset because a police detective was a sexist asshole to you. It'll pass. Lots of girls feel uncomfortable in their body. Your male persona is just a facade to deal with the sexism of the police force- not your true self. You're a detective, you are suppose to be logical about this._

 

It did not come to Naoto's mind that he may be transgender until at fifteen he came across some online forum about how people make their bodies look different. He wasn't aiming to look masculine in particular but there was something about the image of someone his own age wearing dirty tensor bandages across his chest that resonated with Naoto. Circumstances prevented him from thinking about it much harder and definitively reach an answer.

 

Going to school as a male made the young detective happier but he didn't really notice. He was more focused on the task at hand: the serial murder case in Inaba. He didn't realize how it was easier to answer a question in class when the teacher called on "the new boy in the back" or that he felt more real when he saw love notes from girls addressing him as male (not that he was interested in them or would ever take them up on it). There were a few days where he didn't layer up to disguise his breasts.

 

It was quite disturbing for Naoto when he heard his shadow spell out every insecurity about his gender he ever had, especially in front of the people he had began to take an interest in becoming friends with. He had heard his own voice say he was going to perform sexual reassignment surgery on himself. That alone was more than enough for him to bare. A week after being taken out of the dungeon his mind created Naoto revived a phone call from Kanji Tatsumi. The tough, loud, boy who apparently hated being called "odd." They had exchanged phone numbers when Naoto believed Kanji to be the next target but he had never called until now.

 

"Hey Naoto. I just thought I'd ask how you were holdin up."

 

"Tatsumi? I'm fine. Just a little exhausted. Thanks for asking."

 

"Really? Wow that's awesome! What a relief."

 

"Were you worried about me?"

 

"No! No, not really. Ugh… it's just that I had to see my own shadow too and know what's it like. It's friggin intense, right?"

 

"Yes. I am still quite taken aback by the experience."

 

"And um… about what it said about you being a girl? Is that… true?"

 

Naoto bit his lip, not sure how to answer the question.

 

"Shit. I'm sorry if I'm asking this too soon or whatever. I don't want to think too much about my shadow neither."

 

"It's fine Kanji," Naoto replied with a slight stammer. There was a pause wherein Naoto decided whether to lie and say he's completely a girl or tell the truth. For the first time in his life his mouth moved faster than his thoughts and the truth came out. "I'm just not sure I have a conclusive answer to your question. I am aware of my anatomical reality but I've been having conflicts in my or perception of my gender. If this shadow is a manifestation of my psyche it may have taken the shape it did because of my uncertainty."

 

"So you're not sure if you're a girl or a guy?" Kanji said. His question seemed to come from genuine curiosity than any contempt.

 

"Yes. I am questioning my gender at this time," Naoto said, shaking so much he felt all his teeth were going to fall out. His voice began to go to to a higher register.

 

"You said you have a chicks body. Are you like ... a transgender or something?" There was a pause and Naoto's stomach felt sick. "You don't have to answer that. Shit, I put my foot in my mouth again didn't I? I'm going to hang up now Naoto before I say anything else stupid but if you need to talk, I'm there."

 

"Wait! Kanji I'm… not offended. I would like to talk about the case some more if it's alright."

 

"Let's wait until we can talk with Yosuke and the others. They get it a hell of a lot more than I do."

 

"Alright. Thank you."

"Just don't do something that stupid again. Getting yourself kidnapped..."

 

"I'm sorry. Thank you for fighting my doppelganger."

 

"Hey, it's no problem. Kicking Shadow ass is what we do! Do you think defeating it will help you sort it all out?"

 

"Maybe Kanji. It may just be a matter of time."

 

A month later Naoto took Kanji up on the offer and they talked in the picnic area by the flood plains. Kanji seemed open-minded about the concept but didn’t really understand much of it. Several times Naoto explained his conflict, the concept of gender dysphoria, and nonbinary gender identities. He did seem to get it more than Naoto was expecting. Maybe he did a little research beforehand. Eventually Kanji started opening up to him.

 

"Naoto… my shadow… the guy brought up shit about my manliness that I didn’t want to think about. That I like sewing and stuff.”

 

“You enjoy sewing?” Naoto said, slightly taken aback. Kanji raised his shoulders defensively and made two fists. It was as if he was trying to clench up his entire body.

 

“Laugh it up,” Kanji said, on the verge of shouting.

 

“I didn’t intend to upset you Kanji, and I apologize. I was just a little surprised. I have nothing against you sewing. It would be quite hypocritical for me to reject you based on that, wouldn’t it? Sewing is a fine hobby."

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kanji said. He grimaced before continuing. “I was just trying to say that I kind of get where you're coming from. Not, y’know, all the way but sorta. If you need to talk some more or need to figure it out this dysphoria thing... I got your back.”

 

The two parted ways shortly after. For a while Naoto’s only thoughts were of the murder case and his gender. He was upset that neither had a resolution yet. He was upset that the entire school knew what gender he was assigned at birth. At some point Naoto decided to just go along with it.

 

_They are all calling you ‘she’. Stop thinking about how you see yourself for a few months and it won’t be as painful. You don’t need an answer for it right now. The murder case is much higher priority than your emotions! Do your job, respond when they call you she, and don’t tell them how wrong it feels. You have the rest of your life to figure out your gender identity. Focus on what’s important._

 

One day Naoto went to clear off his shoe box of letters that came from both men and women now. Kanji walked by and touched Shinogane’s shoulder. He had a shabby brown package which he held out to Naoto. When Naoto took it Kanji promptly left without saying a word, his face absolutely flushed. Naoto inspected the suspicious looking gift. On the package, in rough but legible handwriting, was “For Naoto –K.” The brown bag was light and clumsily taped. Immediately after Naoto got home he opened it on his bedroom floor. There was a folded up piece of cloth and a note in the same handwriting.

_Yo Naoto. I thought maybe you could use this. If it's not the right size let me know. Should be though. This website said that it should be a bit uncomfortable but not make breathing hurt. Don't wear it for too long and let me know if it works. Sorry if this is weird or anything I just thought you could use one and didn't know if you had any. I like you a lot Naoto. Not in a weird way! I just don't want you hurting, alright. You're not alone. I don't know if the others will get what you're going through but I know they care about you a lot and want you to be happy - just like I do. Take care. -Kanji_

_**  
**_ Naoto inspected the cloth Kanji had given him more closely. It was black, hand stitched and layered with different kinds of fabric. He recognized what it was immediately and held back tears as he began to process what Kanji had done. He put it to his chest and felt the odd texture of a handmade chest binder. After a slight struggle Naoto put it and looked in the bathroom mirror with tears in his eyes. He looked down at his new binder and felt as if he was looking at his real body for the first time in his life. After looking at himself for what was about thirty minutes he picked up his cellphone from the bathroom counter and began to call the boy who had given him the wonderful gift.


End file.
